Thursday, April 22, 2010

WHY CAN’T A SUCCESSFUL BLACK WOMAN FIND A SUCCESSFUL BLACK MAN

Well! This was the hot topic of yesterday. First my friend had this discussion on her very popular blog talk radio show and then it re-appeared later that night on nightline with Steve Harvey and Sherrie Shepard in a very open candid discussion full of “real talk” and comedy.

Just the day before this, I was sitting in publishing office boardroom meeting discussing how to turn a book into a NY Times best seller. Across from me sat two Italian American women. One old school and the other was a modern day Italian women. They were a mother daughter team that owned their own employment agency. They told a story of a young African-American woman who was a single mother of two and in desperate need of a job. They gave her an opportunity and taught her everything they knew. A few years later they hired a young man who was kind, handsome and happened to be white. The young lady came to them letting them know of her attraction to him. Before they knew it the two were dating and recently got married. He loved and accepted her kids and all. Even his very successful family fully accepted and took her in. I remember sitting there as they went on thinking to myself what a story!

Fast forward to the next day–So I am on the call to my friends popular blog talk radio show listening to the women tell story after story about how hard it was to have a relationship or find a good man. Some were single mothers, others were young professionals, even the host talked about her woes as a successful woman struggling to find the right match because some of the men she dated were intimidated by her success and therefore tried to control her. There were a few men on the call. One of them being a married man who happens to give really great advice and perspectives about relationships was giving women a lot of insight on why they might be going through what they go through. The conversation went from the issue of lowered standards to the struggles of overshadowing the man in your life with your own personal success.etc. etc. Then we got on making lists.

See, I have had a list(some may call this treasure mapping) since I was 14 years old because as a young lady who was born to a single mom, I took notes on what I wanted and did not want in relationships early on based on the marriages and relationships I saw around me. Then there is that thing you call “speaking it into existence”. Low and behold my husband is exactly what I wanted on my list and MORE! But as I said on the call, there is no use in creating a list of what you want if you are not a list of what that person you are looking for would want! If you are a woman that is looking for a special kind of man you need to make sure you are that special kind of woman that is going to match his swag and represent him as well as he is going to represent you. That means dealing with your past issues and knowing who you are as person enough to have the confidence and know that you are worthy of the right kind of love. When I made my list at 14 I knew with my eyes wide open what I was looking for, but I also realized that I wanted to be a virtuous women as in Proverbs 31 that would be capable and worthy of the kind of love I wanted to receive.

So…..I really can’t find myself identifying with women who say they can’t find a “good man”, because I never have really found myself in that situation. Oh, I have had my share of jacked up relationships, but I always was aware that there were good men around and I didn’t have to take the crap I was getting and I could always keep it moving if need be. I can however “feel” and understand the pain of women who go through the pain of being trapped in a bad situation, but I feel like many of the women who are struggling in that way is because they are looking for love in the wrong places and attracting the wrong ones. For example if all I look for are “ballers” or successful powerful men and overlook the potential men on the come up that are willing and wanting to have the chance to know me, then that is a case of reaping what you sow.

Many already successful men perceive that they can get any woman they want and usually take advantage of the situation often leaving beautiful women with a lotta Prada and no love. Case in point- Have you seen Basketball wives on VH1? Now THERE is the proof that “All that Glitters is not Gold” if I ever saw it. Women talking about how they basically have to deal with lonliness and their husbands cheating on them so they can maitain a lifestyle of caviar dreams and champagne wishes, but to cope they get with their other girlfriends who have the same problems as them and try to have a fabulous not too miserable time….

On the other hand so many women want to overlook the good man with potential just because they are too busy chasing Mr. Already Established so they can ball out of control and brag to the friends about their Mr. Wonderful who is probably a repeat offender ready to lay down this trophy and collect another one! It’s like to get to love these women want you to “show them the money” first. If that is the majority of women out there that claim they can’t find a good man then… no wonder…

As Hill Harper stated on the nightline panel Sherrie Shepard saw him in Taco Bell when he was just a waiter riding the bus and she wouldn’t approach him because he didn’t have a car. She said “I’m riding the bus too!, How are we supposed to go out on a date with the MTA schedule?” But look at Hill Harper now!

Hill Harper also made mention of a young man who had no job and a successful woman who was a lawyer on her way to partner of the law firm went out on a date with him and not long after they became married he because the first black President of The United States of America. That was another story of a man with potential….HMMMM

See, all I am saying is perhaps women today are looking for love in the wrong places and trying to go about it in all the wrong ways. Instead of dealing with our own issues first we try to fix a situation into what we want it to be and instead of looking at love and potential we are looking for something that is already established and therefore dealing with the struggle that comes with it. It doesn’t have to be the baller it could be the hard core thug we ran after because we ” gotta have a ruffneck” or the smooth player operator….I am not saying that there are not cases of these situations working out for the better, but I am saying there are lots of discussions of women who are unhappy and struggling to find love, so maybe we need to look in the mirror and explore what the deal is to solve this equation. I’m going to end it on this note because in my life this is what I have found to be true- In Lauryn Hill’s song- When it hurts so Bad she sings-

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don’t catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,

I can say that this is true. It’s not about lowering your standards and not going after that ” baller, smooth, slick, sexy, thug” It’s about loving yourself enough to know and realize what you need and what you want and opening your heart to what is real and can potentially be the dream love and relationship you desire. Keep the faith ladies!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3kd_jwaDG0

Posted by mars,venusnyc at 12:29 PM 0 comments

At one point in my life, I used to tell my family and certain close friends almost everything that was going on in my relationship. For the most part, they gave good advice, but it became overwhelming because everybody had an opinion about what I should do. I had so much chatter in my mind that I couldn’t hear myself think. Not only did some of my family and friends come to resent my fiancé for some of the things I shared with them, I found myself with a shrinking audience of people who’d listen to me after awhile. You see, your family and friends will start to tune you out whenever you come to them with your drama because they get tired of hearing it. When this happened to me, I looked to God for answers.

I have to be honest and admit that initially, I felt weird talking to God about problems I was having in my relationship. I felt like I was talking to myself because I was used to getting instant feedback from my best girlfriend. I missed hearing her chime in with her nasally “uh hun” and “I know exactly what you mean, girl.” I also missed the comfort I’d get from knowing that she could totally relate to what I was saying. Although I didn’t get that instant feedback whenever I talked to God about my problems, I realized that He did give me advice in His own way that proved more valuable than any advice I could’ve gotten from my family or friends. For example, one morning after my daily devotions, I came across a scripture in the Book of Proverbs that really helped me to not only get through the day, but to keep my cool in the face of otherwise trying circumstances.

If you’ve been in any type of romantic relationship, you know there are times when you two can’t seem to stand one another. I don’t know why this is the case, but it’s a reality for some couples. You can go through a few days of purposely saying as little as possible to one another. During these times, the least little thing your lover says can tick you off—and I mean the least little thing. For example, they can say that the sky is blue and you let them have it. “What you mean the sky is blue?” you ask with your eyes bulging out of their sockets and your neck cocked to the side. “What, you think I’m too dumb to know that the sky is blue!” The only thing you didn’t do in that situation was spin your head around 360 degrees like the girl possessed in The Exorcist.

While I was going through this moody phase, the scripture that kept me was Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” Before I would give a snarky answer, I’d think about this scripture and quickly change my tone. The interesting thing is that my calm response would catch my man off guard because he was expecting me to act like the girl possessed. I really liked this new approach because it actually gave me power over my tongue and the situation. Later, I thanked God for leading me to that scripture and providing me with sound wisdom. Since then, I’ve used this piece of advice for all of my relationships and business dealings—and it’s worked. I continue to go to God and discuss all my problems with him and “leave them on the altar.” I really like doing things this way because it keeps external drama out of my relationship that I unwillingly invite in when I tell everybody my business.

The next time you have a problem in your relationship, try to go to God first and allow Him to lead and guide you instead of family and friends. His wisdom will not fail you. Can you relate to this situation?

Shalena Broaster is a contributing writer to the upcoming Souls of My Young Sisters, due out June 1, 2010.

The other morning, I stepped into a shower of lukewarm shower water.
I turned the dial hotter, trying to get the hot water to come back. In
that moment, I couldn’t imagine anything more precious than hot water.
Soon the water  got warmer until I was luxuriating in a perfect
temperature shower. That fixed, I could go on worrying about my day.
But then, it hit me! How come I don’t praise hot water when everyday I
get in the shower and there is lots of it? It was a shame how quick I
was willing to brush over that experience of praying for something and
getting it. It was a good day indeed to start with a hot shower but I
get that everyday. So should I praise every day? I figured that all
too often we only truly appreciate something, I mean really get how
important something is to us, when it’s gone!

I started to wonder, how many times have I missed out on how precious
something is to me because I have TOO MUCH of it! I never appreciated
hot water for what it was until it was in short supply. I wonder if we
can flip that and start to think about all the things that we do have
in abundance and stop looking over them. We don’t appreciate love
until the love is lost. We covet a fancier car until our own car
breaks down. We complain about our job until we loose it. There’s got
to be a better way.

In the book Tears to Triumph: Women Learn to Live Love and Thrive, Dr.
Sharon Herron witnessed the loss of her infant daughter. She mourns
her loss everyday but appreciates every moment that she had with her
child when she was here on earth.  Her story has inspired me to think
about what I might miss if I focus too much on what I don’t have. What
blessings or special revelations am I missing by fretting over my
shortfalls and not my windfalls? This summer I ran a youth employment
program for over 200 kids.  Ironically, my workers shared with me that
some of the people that really got the true value for the summer
experience were not the ones who were employed but the ones who never
got a job at all.

Today I encourage all of us to think of what we actually do have in
abundance and celebrate it. For you it might be a job, the love of
someone special, a roof over your head or it might be something as
simple but as precious as a little ole’ thing like hot running water.

Please feel free to comment on what you will celebrate today!

We’re coming from a lot of different places today. We’re in school, we work, and we’re mothers. No matter what we are doing, there’s a common thread that weaves its way through all of our lives. We don’t feel in control. There is a greeting card that depicts an African woman holding Earth in the palm of her hand. What an empowering image! The things we could do, the strides we could make if we really believed that we do indeed hold the world in the palm of our hands. It’s there to shape and mold as we choose. Imagine your body as a clay figure standing right there in your open hand. The clay is soft and pliable, perfect for molding into your ideal shape. Our world – our situations, our bodies – are there to mold as we choose. We have much more power than we ever imagined.

Affirm: I’m molding my life the way I want it to be!

From Sister Feelgood: A Year of Health and Fitness for Our Bodies and Our Souls. ©1996 by Donna Marie Williams. New York: Crown Trade Paperbacks.

Why is it that some women seem to sail through life successfully while others struggle just to get up in the morning? We’ll be exploring this important topic in future posts, but here are some of our initial thoughts.

1. Triumphant women make the most of their gifts. You don’t have to be the smartest or most beautiful woman in the world, but you do have to work with what you’ve got. And you can’t be afraid to let your light shine. Whether it’s physical beauty, intelligence, creativity, emotional or spiritual genius, everyone has a unique gift. It’s what you do with your gift that matters. Some women reading these words have yet to realize the power of their gift, but there’s no time like the present to begin developing and leveraging your gift.

2. Success is a state of mind, and triumphant women define success on their own terms. What’s your definition of success? Make your definition work for you!

3. The spirit of the overcomer is strong in triumphant women. They simply refuse to let obstacles get in the way of their dreams.

4. The self-esteem of triumphant women is really about confidence. Too often self-esteem is a catch-all for “feeling good about yourself,” but confidence is built on discipline, accomplishment, and learning from past failures.

Are you a triumphant woman? Please share your secrets with your sisters. Drop us a note at soulsofmysisters@gmail.com, and your secret may be included in a future blog post!

We couldn’t let 2008 pass without wishing our wonderful members and visitors the best for the season and New Year. This year has been tough for both Candace and I, but, as Bishop Paul Morton sings, we’re still standing. We give all thanks and glory to God for all that He has brought us through, and we look forward to all He has to offer us in the New Year.

We’re happy to serve you, our sisters, your families and friends. Visit us often at www.soulsofmysisters.com for newly posted articles written with you in mind, and by all means, spread the word and send the link to all those in your address book! Our mission is to inspire, motivate, and encourage women of color and friends of goodwill. Drop us a note at soulsofmysisters@gmail.com if you have an article idea that would help a sister or put a smile on the faces of our members.

Happy Kwanzaa! Happy New Year!

Dawn and Candace

SOMS members need your wisdom! Share your thoughts and experiences about any heartfelt topic in the forum. Our goal is to build the forum into the leading source of information and encouragement for women of color on the web. Sisters helping sisters is what we’re all about!

By the way, we have a new survey feature in the forum. Check it out, and please answer the question for this week. Your opinion is important to us as we plan articles and books for the future. It’s also a great way to find out what your sisters are thinking!

Do you have a story that speaks to a trial or situation that took you to the brink of despair but you eventually triumphed? We are looking for first person stories for our new book due out September 2009 called Tears to Triumph: Women Learn to Live, Love and Thrive. Stories should be no longer than 1,000 words and be inspirational in nature.

Please email your story by January 5th to us at soulsofmysisters@gmail.com.

For some of us it’s feast, and for others it’s famine. Either you love that time of the year, or you can’t wait until it’s all over. Stress and depression are common. Others love the partying and all the hoopla. Regardless, don’t forget that moments alone can help regenerate your spirit and remind you of the true purpose of the season. The best gift you can give yourself is daily peace and quiet. Take time out for yourself. Peace time is absolutely essential for your sanity.

Affirm: I’m giving myself the gift of peace during this holiday season.

From Sister Feelgood: A Year of Health and Fitness for Our Bodies and Our Souls. ©1996 by Donna Marie Williams. New York: Crown Trade Paperbacks.

Tis the season for colds and the flu if you don’t take good care of yourself. You’ve heard it a million times, but you must take care of yourself or else you won’t be able to take care of anyone else. (And you know how everyone depends on you.)

Prevent cold and flu symptoms by staying hydrated and increasing vitamin C intake. Herbs such as Echinacea work well for some, too. (As always, consult your doctor first, especially if you’re on medication.)

At the first onset of cold and flu symptoms, take one of those potent, pre-packaged vitamin-mineral cocktails. Catch the symptoms early enough and you can truly head a cold off at the pass.

If you’re already feeling stuffy, achy, and feverish, try the following tried and true remedies.

– Soul food not only satisfies the soul via the appetite, certain dishes can boost the immune system. Load up on chicken or vegetable soup (it’s the broth that soothes) and greens (collards, mustards, kale). Add plenty of garlic, which is great for the immune system.

– Drink plenty of water and natural fruit and vegetable juices. Try green tea with honey, lemon, and believe it or not, a little cayenne pepper to break up the mucus. And by all means, treat yourself to freshly squeezed orange juice. It’s such a treat!

– When the weather turns cold, the air in our homes becomes dry. The result is dry mouth, sore throats, and hoarseness. Turning on the humidifier is one solution, but potted, leafy plants will also put moisture back into the air. The more leaves on the plant, the more moisture. Plus they’re pretty to look at. (Source: Health and Weight-Loss Breakthroughs 2009, Rodale, Inc.)

– Rest. If you don’t get enough sleep, you put your immune system further at risk. When your immune system is compromised by fatigue and stress, it cannot protect you. It’s true, you have a lot to do, but your health comes first. Get some rest!