Thursday, April 22, 2010

WHY CAN’T A SUCCESSFUL BLACK WOMAN FIND A SUCCESSFUL BLACK MAN

Well! This was the hot topic of yesterday. First my friend had this discussion on her very popular blog talk radio show and then it re-appeared later that night on nightline with Steve Harvey and Sherrie Shepard in a very open candid discussion full of “real talk” and comedy.

Just the day before this, I was sitting in publishing office boardroom meeting discussing how to turn a book into a NY Times best seller. Across from me sat two Italian American women. One old school and the other was a modern day Italian women. They were a mother daughter team that owned their own employment agency. They told a story of a young African-American woman who was a single mother of two and in desperate need of a job. They gave her an opportunity and taught her everything they knew. A few years later they hired a young man who was kind, handsome and happened to be white. The young lady came to them letting them know of her attraction to him. Before they knew it the two were dating and recently got married. He loved and accepted her kids and all. Even his very successful family fully accepted and took her in. I remember sitting there as they went on thinking to myself what a story!

Fast forward to the next day–So I am on the call to my friends popular blog talk radio show listening to the women tell story after story about how hard it was to have a relationship or find a good man. Some were single mothers, others were young professionals, even the host talked about her woes as a successful woman struggling to find the right match because some of the men she dated were intimidated by her success and therefore tried to control her. There were a few men on the call. One of them being a married man who happens to give really great advice and perspectives about relationships was giving women a lot of insight on why they might be going through what they go through. The conversation went from the issue of lowered standards to the struggles of overshadowing the man in your life with your own personal success.etc. etc. Then we got on making lists.

See, I have had a list(some may call this treasure mapping) since I was 14 years old because as a young lady who was born to a single mom, I took notes on what I wanted and did not want in relationships early on based on the marriages and relationships I saw around me. Then there is that thing you call “speaking it into existence”. Low and behold my husband is exactly what I wanted on my list and MORE! But as I said on the call, there is no use in creating a list of what you want if you are not a list of what that person you are looking for would want! If you are a woman that is looking for a special kind of man you need to make sure you are that special kind of woman that is going to match his swag and represent him as well as he is going to represent you. That means dealing with your past issues and knowing who you are as person enough to have the confidence and know that you are worthy of the right kind of love. When I made my list at 14 I knew with my eyes wide open what I was looking for, but I also realized that I wanted to be a virtuous women as in Proverbs 31 that would be capable and worthy of the kind of love I wanted to receive.

So…..I really can’t find myself identifying with women who say they can’t find a “good man”, because I never have really found myself in that situation. Oh, I have had my share of jacked up relationships, but I always was aware that there were good men around and I didn’t have to take the crap I was getting and I could always keep it moving if need be. I can however “feel” and understand the pain of women who go through the pain of being trapped in a bad situation, but I feel like many of the women who are struggling in that way is because they are looking for love in the wrong places and attracting the wrong ones. For example if all I look for are “ballers” or successful powerful men and overlook the potential men on the come up that are willing and wanting to have the chance to know me, then that is a case of reaping what you sow.

Many already successful men perceive that they can get any woman they want and usually take advantage of the situation often leaving beautiful women with a lotta Prada and no love. Case in point- Have you seen Basketball wives on VH1? Now THERE is the proof that “All that Glitters is not Gold” if I ever saw it. Women talking about how they basically have to deal with lonliness and their husbands cheating on them so they can maitain a lifestyle of caviar dreams and champagne wishes, but to cope they get with their other girlfriends who have the same problems as them and try to have a fabulous not too miserable time….

On the other hand so many women want to overlook the good man with potential just because they are too busy chasing Mr. Already Established so they can ball out of control and brag to the friends about their Mr. Wonderful who is probably a repeat offender ready to lay down this trophy and collect another one! It’s like to get to love these women want you to “show them the money” first. If that is the majority of women out there that claim they can’t find a good man then… no wonder…

As Hill Harper stated on the nightline panel Sherrie Shepard saw him in Taco Bell when he was just a waiter riding the bus and she wouldn’t approach him because he didn’t have a car. She said “I’m riding the bus too!, How are we supposed to go out on a date with the MTA schedule?” But look at Hill Harper now!

Hill Harper also made mention of a young man who had no job and a successful woman who was a lawyer on her way to partner of the law firm went out on a date with him and not long after they became married he because the first black President of The United States of America. That was another story of a man with potential….HMMMM

See, all I am saying is perhaps women today are looking for love in the wrong places and trying to go about it in all the wrong ways. Instead of dealing with our own issues first we try to fix a situation into what we want it to be and instead of looking at love and potential we are looking for something that is already established and therefore dealing with the struggle that comes with it. It doesn’t have to be the baller it could be the hard core thug we ran after because we ” gotta have a ruffneck” or the smooth player operator….I am not saying that there are not cases of these situations working out for the better, but I am saying there are lots of discussions of women who are unhappy and struggling to find love, so maybe we need to look in the mirror and explore what the deal is to solve this equation. I’m going to end it on this note because in my life this is what I have found to be true- In Lauryn Hill’s song- When it hurts so Bad she sings-

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don’t catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,

I can say that this is true. It’s not about lowering your standards and not going after that ” baller, smooth, slick, sexy, thug” It’s about loving yourself enough to know and realize what you need and what you want and opening your heart to what is real and can potentially be the dream love and relationship you desire. Keep the faith ladies!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3kd_jwaDG0

Posted by mars,venusnyc at 12:29 PM 0 comments